


When you're looking like that

by roommate



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Bodyswap, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-09 00:15:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1139171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roommate/pseuds/roommate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Joonmyun was appointed to be EXO-K's leader, he made sure to double-check the detailed list of roles and responsibilities. Switching bodies with one of his fellow members certainly wasn't one of them. (Bodyswitch // for suholiday 2013)</p>
            </blockquote>





	When you're looking like that

Smack in the middle of an interview, Joonmyun feels his blood rushing to several different parts of his body and eventually punching him in the gut. He looks around for an audience and sees several pairs of eyes, all focused on him. "So Kai-ssi, if you were a girl, who would you want to date in EXO?" he hears in passing, and he cranes his neck in search of Jongin.

Sehun nudges him in his side. "Hey, they're asking you a question. If you can't think of an answer, _smile_."

"Me?"

Sehun turns to him, an eyebrow raised but a commercial smile still tugging at the corner of his lips. "In a different lifetime, I may or may not have killed you for being stupid."

"Kai-ssi?" A cold hand reaches for his wrist and suddenly, he's met with a familiar pair of eyes. "They're asking you a question," the man says, and it takes Joonmyun three seconds to realize the situation at hand.

"Suho," he blurts out. "Suho-hyung. He... takes care of me well."

"Corny," he hears Chanyeol calling out from a few feet away, and everybody erupts into laughter. The Joonmyun-Who-Isn't gets up, does a curtsy, and turns to the rest of the group to signal everybody to cheer for him. For a moment, Joonmyun thinks of laughing along, but then he sees the small smile on his supposed lips, hears laughter in his own voice, locks eyes with the Joonmyun-Who-Isn't for the second time around. He coughs up a chuckle and rests a hand on his — the Joonmyun-Who-Isn't's shoulder, smiling for the camera crinkling his eyes for the best results.

The director calls "Cut!" and immediately, he grabs the Joonmyun-Who-Isn't by the wrist, ignoring Chanyeol's comments of _Aww yeah, sexy times!_ in the background.

 

"Who are you and what are you doing in my body?"

The Joonmyun-Who-Isn't wriggles his hands free of Joonmyun's grasp and shakes them. "Hey, I'm victim here, too, hyung." He frowns. The curl of the lip looks familiar, but then Joonmyun has spent years looking at the mirror, studying every part of his face in the hope of finding something that can help make him more marketable, more attractive. Better. "How do you even move around in your _tiny body?_?"

"Jongin—" Joonmyun retorts, all too abrupt that he wonders briefly why the snide remark reminded him of Jongin. It could have easily been Sehun, but the Joonmyun-Who-Isn't now has his hands held up in defense and Joonmyun is more sure than ever. "Don't think that this is easy for me, either. You're too long."

Jongin wiggles his — Joonmyun's eyebrows. It's mildly disconcerting. "Oh, am I?" he asks, but quickly takes it back when Joonmyun gives him a blank stare. "Awkward. Yeah. Okay." Jongin scrunches his nose. "So what do we do now?"

Joonmyun's ironing out the creases on Jongin's uniform now. "We walk back to the set, act normal, act as if nothing happened."

"If I make you say something stupid, that's not my fault anymore."

Joonmyun scoffs. "Just... don't say anything."

"I can't. I'm the leader." Jongin frowns. "Why didn't you just switch bodies with Kris?"

Joonmyun laughs — the mental image is weird and a bit amusing because it probably would have been hilarious, and because he's thinking the exact same thing. Jongin's adjusting well, maybe even too quickly. It's only been thirty minutes since they've switched bodies.

When Jongin asks if they should let someone else know, Joonmyun shakes his head and tells Jongin that he's got everything under control. It shouldn't take too long before they switch back; maybe this is just a bad dream and they just need an entire day without rest to jolt themselves back to reality.

 

Except nothing really changes — it's already eleven in the evening and Jongin is still in his body, and he's still obviously controlling Jongin's limbs, and maybe this isn't exactly just a 24-hour thing. Jongin tugs at the hem of his shirt, a small frown on his lips, and repeatedly pulls lightly at the hem. "Hyung."

"I can't do anything about this."

Jongin exhales loudly. Joonmyun hears a bit of himself in it. "We'll have to live with it, then."

Joonmyun sits on the floor, then pats the space beside him. He sees the hestitation in Jongin's features — he knows that look too well — as if Jongin's asking _how will that make things better, hyung_ or _I thought you had the answers to all the questions of the world, hyung_ , but Jongin sits, anyway, and rests his head on Joonmyun's shoulder. Joonmyun stares at their reflection in the mirror — there's nothing wrong with this picture, where Joonmyun has an arm around Jongin's shoulder and Jongin's eyes are closed, except they're not in their bodies, and that Joonmyun can barely wear the easy confidence Jongin usually exudes when he's dancing.

"Think we can run through the routine one more time?" Joonmyun asks. Jongin's voice sounds scratchy and too low at such a late hour; he can't believe he didn't notice earlier.

"No, hyung. Rest." Jongin reaches over and covers Joonmyun's eyes with his hand, has to stretch a bit because of a miscalculation of distance, and because Joonmyun's retaliating. Jongin's warmth offers a peculiar kind of comfort, like the hand on Joonmyun's eyes can make everything right, can make them switch back, can turn back time so that they won't have to deal with this ever again.

"You used to do this," Jongin says after a while, once their breaths have quietened down. "When I was much younger. Remember that class—"

"Wasn't a class; it was one of those monthly assessment performances." Joonmyun shifts a little so that their bodies are pressed closer. "They said you're good, but you're boring, and Taemin defended you and—"

"And you held my hand and told me to take a deep breath." Joonmyun can hear a smile at the end of the sentence, and he giggles a little. "That everything will be fine. That I look boring because I practice too much and I'm overexerting myself."

"That you should rest. Because you can only do much when you're drained," Joonmyun finishes. He smiles a little.

Jongin lets his hand fall to his side. "Feeling better?"

Joonmyun snuggles closer. He takes a deep breath, fills his lungs with eleven o' clock comfort and a bit of hope and the scent of mint in Jongin's hair. He turns to Jongin with a smile. 

"Much better."

 

Pretending to be Jongin, Joonmyun finds out, isn't as challenging as it seems, save for the dancing part. He thanks Jongin's muscle memory and makes sure to wear Jongin's facial expressions while dancing, and he's certain he's doing a good job until after the performance, when Sehun snakes an arm around his shoulder and whispers, "Were you having an orgasm onstage?"

Joonmyun yelps and nudges Sehun in his side. "What the fuck?"

Sehun jabs his arm lightly, then sticks out a tongue at him before walking over to where Jongdae is to deliver the good news.

As Jongin, he doesn't have to speak much during interviews. It helps that he's known Jongin for years not only as a trainee but also as a good friend, especially when he gets asked weird and rather intrusive questions about Jongin's past. He furrows his eyebrows when he receives these kinds of questions and waits for Jongin to give him a go signal — eye contact, a blink, a light nod, sometimes even a supressed giggle — before giving information, and he makes sure to drop snide comments from time to time, something to make things more interesting.

"You're different," Sehun says after the second recording of their spiel, face too close to Joonmyun's own. Joonmyun gulps hard. "You're not annoying and obnoxious. I like you today." Sehun slips an arm around Joonmyun and pulls him close, studying him carefully. "Hey Joonmyun-hyung, can I keep him?"

Jongin shrugs and laughs, because that's Joonmyun-speak for an affirmation. "I'm not a dog," is Joonmyun's thoughtless response, and everybody erupts into a peal of laughter, with Baekhyun ending up on the floor and Chanyeol wiping off beads of tears from the corner of his eyes.

"Seriously, hyung. _Not a dog?_ " Jongin whispers later, on their way to their next schedule. Joonmyun almost jumps and flinches when Jongin slips a hand in his, and he looks at their locked fingers first, then turns to Jongin with wide eyes.

"It was the best I could come up with." Joonmyun lifts their hands, then looks down at Jongin. "What is this?"

"What? You do this all the time." Jongin pauses for a while and bows at the fans crowding around them. Joonmyun follows suit, then secures both hands on Jongin's shoulders as they wade through the crowd, wearing their best smiles as they hang their heads low. "The smiling thing you do all the time— This thing's hard."

The crowd thickens. Joonmyun moves on impulse, wrapping his arms around Jongin as they make their way through the crowd, smiles still intact. Jongin's mumbling under his breath — maybe even singing? — and he feels Jongin shaking, tiny frame shivering against his warm body.

Joonmyun presses closer. Jongin has fears but has never been very vocal about them, always saying something about being the face of the group and having to look tough and cool all the time. Joonmyun vaguely remembers Chanyeol's helpful, albeit unsolicited, advice — "You have to show vulnerability when performing, otherwise you'd just be doing a routine. And you can't afford to be bland because you're representing the group." — and the way Jongin quickly retorts, rolling his eyes and scoffing and just waving Chanyeol off, storming to his room and locking the door behind him.

Joonmyun would knock thrice and wait for the soft click of the lock before walking in, would wait for Jongin's soft sobs to die down before carefully approaching.

"I don't know how you do it," Jongin whispers when they finally get through the crowd and the glass door closes behind them. "How you can still smile even if they're all groping you and hounding you and you know you'll have to deal with this for the rest of your life—"

Joonmyun lets his left arm drop to his side but keeps his right arm around Jongin, hand gently squeezing Jongin's arm. "Practice. Years of practice. Practicing how to pretend."

"You're good." Jongin chuckles. Joonmyun finds himself smiling at the sound of familiar laughter. "Mad respect for you, hyung. Now, can we _please_ switch back?"

Joonmyun laughs, loud and free. He laughs until they're called by their manager, until the script, rolled tightly, is shoved in their hands and they're asked to familiarize themselves with the flow of the radio show because they're going live in a while.

Joonmyun's stage name is called, but it's Jongin who gets up and flashes a bright smile at them. Joonmyun tries not to cackle because Jongin's wearing a lopsided grin instead of Joonmyun's classic, almost corporate smile. But it's fine. If anything, Joonmyun can always tell the fans who will be around for the show that, "Ah, Suho-hyung has been really busy and he's just tired. But he's really happy to see all of you!"

"Good luck, _leader,_ " Joonmyun whispers in Jongin's ear. Jongin smiles.

 

The dancers are called for a separate meeting with the choreographers. Joonmyun's used to secret meetings, but it's the first time he's attending one that specifically tackles the choreography. He sits on the floor, legs crossed, and watches as Jaewon and Greg run them through the proposed choreography. Minseok nods slowly, taking in the information. Yixing looks like he's about to pass out any moment, but he quickly gets to his feet, mimicing the routine but adding flourishes here and there, tweaking the routine to make it a little more _Yixing _. He yanks Sehun's wrist and Sehun builds on the routine Yixing has shown, ending with a pirouette and a grin tugging at the corners of his lips.__

__"Jongin, what do you think?"_ _

__Sehun gives him a look that says, _Don't you dare stir shit; my choreo is good_ , and Joonmyun wonders briefly how long he's overlooked the fact that Sehun isn't just a dancer — he's a choreographer, and an overly enthusiastic one at that. "I actually like it," Joonmyun begins, then drums his fingers on the floor as Sehun wears a smug smile and Yixing rubs circles on the small of Sehun's back._ _

__"Do we really have to do the turn in the end, though?"_ _

__Sehun raises an eyebrow at him. "Aren't you the one who loves _pirouettes?_ "_ _

__Joonmyun takes a deep breath. He goes through a catalogue of observations about Jongin — likes showing off but doesn't know how to handle praise, can't keep still, indecisive on his bad days and easy to please at his best. A boy going through puberty, an awkward adolescent. "There's already too much flair in the previous parts," he replies after a while. "We have to end strong, but the spin isn't necessary?"_ _

__"He's got a point."_ _

__Shortly before they do one last run of the choreography, Joonmyun receives a text. _hey hyung hope u didn't screw up d choreo D:,_ it says, and Joonmyun finds himself grinning, the fatigue from three hours of dance practice slipping from his fingers tips as he types a reply._ _

__"He won't die if you stop checking on him, y'know," Sehun quips from behind, resting his chin on Joonmyun's shoulder. Joonmyun just shrugs it off and locks his phone, the soft 'click' giving him a sense of comfort._ _

__

__"Where's hyung?"_ _

__Baekhyun looks up from his piano set up in the living room. "He did some leader stuff with Kris. Top secret meeting." He uses air quotes for emphasis, then turns his attention back to the keyboard. It's one of the songs Baekhyun has been playing even before they debuted, an original song. He'd been polishing the melody for nearly half a year already, but he keeps adding things, taking things out. Making it perfect._ _

__"The first version's better, by the way," Joonmyun casually mentions when he passes Baekhyun, then ruffles his hair. Baekhyun scowls, but plays the trimmed down version of his composition, anyway._ _

__"You should stop worrying about him too much," Baekhyun calls out after Joonmyun, and Joonmyun just looks over his shoulder, doesn't question Baekhyun's statement, but runs through the sentence, the piece of advice, in his mind until it becomes a mantra, a song for unspoken concern._ _

___Stop worrying too much._ _ _

__

__(Jongin returns at two in the morning, climbing onto the nearest thing in sight. In the morning, he finds himself curled up next to Joonmyun and thinks, maybe this is strange and Joonmyun isn't supposed to be this big, and Jongin feels a bit restrained by his now-tiny body, but it's five in the morning. It's not the right time to be rationalizing. Their first schedule isn't until eleven in the morning — Kris reminded him last night — so he wraps his arms around Joonmyun's waist, pulls Joonmyun close, and laughs a little at the sound of Joonmyun's soft snores.)_ _

__

__The phenomenon holds out longer than expected. Day five has Jongin running around, shuffling from one schedule to the next, and Joonmyun spending hours on end in the practice room, polishing choreography and memorizing the way Jongin's body moves. When they meet for a TV show guesting in the evening, they only get to exchange glances and big grins; in the van, they sit on opposite sides, with Baekhyun and Chanyeol fighting for space between them._ _

__"I think hyung needs to get laid soon," Sehun says out of the blue, during a much-needed break from dance practice. Joonmyun's lying flat on his back beside Sehun, legs spread, eyes closed. "Not that I'm concerned, but—" Sehun gets up from where he is, turns to lie on his stomach and props his arms under his chin. "I wonder if he even has time to jack off when he gets home."_ _

__" _What?_ "_ _

__Sehun raises an eyebrow at him. "Hyung's been wearing a raging boner these past few days. Haven't you noticed?"_ _

__Joonmyun tries not strangle Sehun or choke him or even try to maim him, instead clenching his fists so tight that he feels his nails digging into his skin. "Well, unlike you, I don't stare at hyung's _thing—_ "_ _

__Sehun scoffs. "Yeah. And Baekhyun-hyung doesn't like butts." Sehun rolls his eyes. "And even if I don't actively stare at his crotch periodically, it's just... too... obvious. Like it's saying, _hey, I've got a boner! Notice me!_ "_ _

__Yixing walks in, catches the last part of the explanation, and sits down with them, eyes laden with exhaustion. "Are we talking about Joonmyun's boner?"_ _

__"See, even he noticed it!"_ _

__Joonmyun shuts his eyes tight, willing every bit of self-control to rush to his face and peel off the bright shade of red painting his cheeks, but to no avail; his cheeks burn and his throat constricts and he just hangs his head low, eyes still closed. But this isn't Jongin — when trapped in sticky situations, Jongin giggles, cackles, _laughs_ and slaps his thighs hard and eases the awkwardness away with his booming laughter. So he tries to choke up laughter despite his flushed face and Yixing starts laughing along._ _

__It's not easy to laugh the thought away during live guestings, though, when they're seated beside each other and Jongin's legs are wide open, eyes fixed solely on the camera in front of them. Joonmyun tries his best not to look, but his eyes are instantly drawn to Jongin's crotch._ _

__He gulps hard. He's actually checking himself out._ _

__The weird thing is that Jongin conjures a boner at the weirdest of times — in the middle of a photoshoot where real-Jongin is made to sit between real-Joonmyun's spread legs, during an interview where they talk about new rooming arrangements and Jongin's inability to keep still while sleeping, after vocal practice where Baekhyun and Kyungsoo pat him on the back for a job well done, on his way to the vending machine for a much needed can of coffee._ _

__"Still not done?" Joonmyun asks. He leans against the machine, waiting for his turn, and Jongin just stares at the can that falls into the pit. Joonmyun spots a hint of the boner and gulps down hard. "You're pushing yourself too hard."_ _

__Jongin chuckles. "I'm channelling you well, huh?"_ _

__Joonmyun laughs a little and steals the canned coffee, lifting the tab even before Jongin can react. He brings the can close to his lips, takes a sip, and smiles when Jongin gulps hard. "Too well. It kinda freaks me out."_ _

__Jongin smiles a little. Joonmyun hasn't seen that juvenile smile in a while. "I guess years of watching your back has finally paid off."_ _

__Joonmyun takes a deep breath, slowly putting the can down. "But _I'm_ the one who's been cleaning up after you," he says, trying to make light of the situation, but only a wistful smile surfaces on Jongin's lips. He knows it when he sees it, even more when he feels Jongin wrapping his fingers around Joonmyun's wrist._ _

__"Give me that drink, _hyung._ "_ _

__Laughter quicky breaks across Jongin's features, and Joonmyun sighs in relief. He pushes the can in Jongin's chest, and he swears he catches the beat pulsating on Jongin's skin, against the fabric, the way Jongin's heart races in his chest. He could lay his palm flat on Jongin's chest to check, could press his ear where the pulse is the loudest, but doesn't. Instead, he shakes his head when Jongin takes the can and drinks up the rest of the contents, laughing still bubbling on his lips._ _

__Joonmyun drinks up every ounce of sound dripping from the corner of Jongin's lips. It sounds a lot like a song._ _

__

__Day nine and things still haven't changed. Whenever Jongdae questions their sleeping habits and _"Why does Jongin always conk out in your bed, hyung?"_ Joonmyun is quick to retort with a snide remark that usually goes along the lines of, "You're just jealous you don't have anyone to cuddle with."_ _

__Jongdae snarls, pulling his bolster closer to his chest, then pulls the covers over his head. Jongin mumbles something unintelligible and buries his face in Joonmyun's chest, and Joonmyun wraps his legs around Jongin's own._ _

__"So I heard you're sleeping with Joonmyun," Yixing casually drops over breakfast._ _

__Joonmyun chokes on his coffee and looks at Yixing, eyes wide — in shock, horror, or excitement, Joonmyun cannot tell. "We sleep on the same bed," he offers as a response, but Yixing just shrugs, keeps slapping a handful of peanut butter spread on his toast._ _

__"Sehun said he saw you spooning Joonmyun."_ _

__"I wasn't _spooning_ him—"_ _

__"He has his blanket to keep him warm, you know." Sehun stirs his coffee, then adds another pack of creamer. There's a smile tugging at the corner of Sehun's lips. "No need to hug him to sleep."_ _

__Yixing grins. "Oooh. I hope he was singing. Was he singing? What's Joonmyun's favorite song again?"_ _

__"My favorite song is _will everyone please shut up over breakfast_ ," Jongin offers. He slides next to Joonmyun and gives Joonmyun's hand a gentle squeeze under the table, then gestures at Sehun's cup of coffee. "That's for me?"_ _

__"Looks like someone got a personality transplant," comes Baekhyun's remark from behind.  
Joonmyun shivers a little, then squeezes Jongin's hand right back. It offers a bit of relief, now that the dining table has become too cramped, too uncomfortable for an early morning conversation or any conversation they can ever afford. The rest of the day is packed with guestings upon guestings, radio hostings where they basically just make fun of each other and develop some sort of persona that don't even make up half of who they really are, song recordings that stretch into and past midnight. Joonmyun looks to his side, looks down a little until he meets Jongin's eyes._ _

__Jongin is tired._ _

__He moves a bit closer so their shoulders bump, and Jongin turns to him with eyes laden with sleep. "Nice save," Joonmyun says, whispering, and the ghost of a smile appears on Jongin's lips._ _

__Jongin winks lightly before he pulls away. "I learned from the best."_ _

__"Extra vocal sessions?"_ _

__Jongin chuckles. Baekhyun narrows his eyes at them and Joonmyun makes kissy faces at him; Baekhyun shudders. "It's your fault they want you to have a solo for that Christmas animation."_ _

__"Big mistake," Joonmyun mumbles. He bites off a part of the toast, and crumbs catch on the corner of his lips. Jongin is quick to reach out to wipe it off, and Joonmyun feels his chest constricting. "Uh. Thanks."_ _

__A soft _oh_ escapes Yixing's lips. Jongin smiles at Joonmyun, lips pressed tightly together, that same silly smile Joonmyun, in his own body, usually finds himself giving people when he's out of things to say, when he's stuck in a rut, or when he regrets something he's just done. Often, it's a combination of all three._ _

__Joonmyun drinks the rest of his coffee in two gulps and excuses himself. "Bath," he says when Jongin asks, and he quickly gets on his feet, turning on his heel to leave. It's too early for him to be dealing with things like these._ _

__

__Joonmyun has always wondered why he was given the power to control water in the MAMA sequence. He's a decent swimmer, yes, but he's nothing exceptional. There's a pattern to this — everything he does, he does well. Average, not astounding. He's good enough, but only just._ _

__He closes his eyes and lets the water run down his face. His hair sticks to his face. Jongin should get a haircut soon._ _

__"Hyung."_ _

__Joonmyun jumps a little but clasps a hand over his mouth. He looks to his right, checks the silhouette just beyond the shower curtain. 'Unbelievably intrusive' has never been one of Jongin's bad points, but people change. Joonmyun looks closer, then peeks behind the curtain. This is not a change that he likes._ _

__"I'm taking a bath."_ _

__Jongin chuckles, then gives him a once-over. "I can see that."_ _

__Joonmyun turns the tap down a little, just enough for droplets of water to keep streaming down his skin, enough for him to hear Jongin through the sound. He knows very well that his voice isn't the loudest, and that he has to strain his vocal chords if he has to make his voice louder, clearer. Jongin can't afford to do that right now, not in the middle of recording a solo. It's the fulfillment of Joonmyun's dream._ _

__He scoffs, then looks at his palms, his torso, his legs. None of these are a manifestation of his dreams._ _

__"Nine days, Jongin. Nine days." Joonmyun rests his head against the wall. "You're doing what I've always wanted and I'm wasting your life away in your body."_ _

__Jongin stiffles another chuckle. "Don't say that. I heard you helped Sehun with the choreo. I don't normally do that."_ _

__"You're beginning to sound like me."_ _

__"I know." Jongin exhales loudly. "And you sound beautiful. I love your voice."_ _

__"That's not what I—"_ _

__Joonmyun stops, taps the knob one, twice, thrice. Jongin's less than a foot away and he's saying things Joonmyun would normally say and Jongin's not himself — maybe he's older now, wiser, more mature in a sense, but then Jongin has always had his own brand of maturity. And maybe it's weird that Joonmyun finds Jongin attractive now that he's in Jongin's body and Jongin is in his, but rationalization has never been his strongest point._ _

__He clenches his fists. "If you're going to take a dump, do it after I shower."_ _

__"Nope." He can hear the familiar indignance in Jongin's voice. He misses it. "I'm here to stay."_ _

__Joonmyun turns up the tap and smiles when the water comes crashing down on him._ _

__It's when he closes his eyes for a second time that he feels a weird sort of warmth, something thicker than a blanket of hot water or soap suds or a fresh towel, something that moves and lives and is breathing on his skin. His eyes shoot up and he freezes when he feels hands circling his torso, pulling him back, engulfing him in an embrace. "J-jongin—" he says, barely above a whisper, and Jongin just hums an unfamiliar melody in his ear, just loud enough to compete with the sound of water._ _

__He throws his head back a little, presses closer, and laughs a little when Jongin says, _oops._ He'll have to address that problem later. For now, they have to freshen up._ _

__

__Two guestings back-to-back has Joonmyun staring at Jongin and his crotch more than the usual._ _

__Sehun constantly brings it up more out of fun than out of concern, and Minseok's attempts at trying to pacify Sehun and make him forget about the pressing issue are all in vain. "I'm just saying," Sehun begins, a hand heavy and firm on Joonmyun's shoulder. "If everything gets him hard and he's so distracted then he might not perform his leader duties well."_ _

__Joonmyun frowns. Sehun's lack of trust in him is off-putting, but the concern is pretty overwhelming. "He can fulfill his role just fine, even with a hard on," he comments, and Sehun grins at him._ _

__"Of course, you'd know."_ _

__"What do you mean _of course, I'd know?_ "_ _

__Sehun narrows his eyes at him. "You're like his number one fan or something. You watch him like a hawk. Or a parrot, because you're beginning to sound like him."_ _

__Minseok nods slowly. "I mean, yeah, you always watch him and stick to him but _man,_ the similarities are starting to become kinda creepy."_ _

__"I'm just trying to be a better man," Joonmyun replies. He busies himself with tying his shoelaces. The edge of the aglet cuts him a bit; it stings more than necessary. "I should probably read hyung's self-help books—"_ _

__Sehun snorts. "I hope he has one on personality development. You'll need to read up on that a lot."_ _

__Practice ends earlier than the usual, and Minseok somehow convinces Lu Han to buy them dinner. "Last day of freedom," Joonmyun remembers Minseok whispering in Lu Han's ear, and Yixing puts his hands up in the air in celebration, then yanks at Sehun and Joonmyun's wrists, dragging them out of the practice room._ _

__"I'll stay behind," Joonmyun says, a palm secure on his back. "I'm getting old."_ _

__"Bye, _hyung!_ " Sehun quips, then quickly exits the room._ _

__The practice room becomes a quiet shelter when he's alone, especially at ten in the evening. He remembers endless hours spent crying in the fire exit as a trainee, only to return to this same room with determination in his eyes and clenched fists. Then he'd blow everyone away, a newfound confidence seeping in his skin. Jongin would flash two thumbs up at him and pat the empty space beside him. Jongin would say, "That was pretty amazing, hyung," and Joonmyun would feel a voilent breath of life knocking out his lungs, a prickling sensation in his fingertips._ _

__"I don't usually hang out here long after practice, hyung."_ _

__Joonmyun stirs, then looks in the direction of the door. Jongin's wearing one of his hideous but really comfortable sweaters, and there are really dark circles under Jongin's eyes, and he feels the strangest urge to take Jongin in his arms and just hold him close until Jongin falls asleep. He wants someone to care enough to do that to him, for him._ _

__"And I don't usually finish recording early." Joonmyun gets up and crosses his legs as he sits. "Done recording the second track?"_ _

__Jongin sits opposite him, legs stretched out, spread wide, and Joonmyun's eyes are immediately drawn to Jongin's crotch. He feels bad, to say the very least — he's checking himself out, and he's getting the strangest urge to reach out and run a hand up Jongin's thighs and—_ _

__Jongin pulls his legs together. Joonmyun groans a little, and Jongin chuckles. There's a playful smile on his lips._ _

__"Problem, hyung?"_ _

__" _You_ have a problem."_ _

__"I'm helpless in your body." Jongin spreads his legs a bit, then leans forward. "I've been trying to take things into my own hands but—"_ _

__Joonmyun gulps. "But?"_ _

__"It's hard."_ _

__Joonmyun takes a deep breath, then lays a palm flat on Jongin's torso. "I can help."_ _

__Jongin rests his hands behind him and opens his legs further._ _

__Joonmyun crawls over to where he Jongin is and tugs a little at Jongin's pants. He's wearing one of those baggy pants Joonmyun hasn't worn in months. "Take me through it," Jongin says, and Joonmyun's eyes are immediately drawn to the flush painting Jongin's cheeks, Jongin's plush lips, sweat trickling down Jongin's neck._ _

__"Hand inside your pants." Joonmyun licks his lips. "Now."_ _

__Jongin slips one hand and slowly bites his lower lip. He knows Jongin; Jongin isn't the type to play games with anyone and will jump straight to the chase to get what he wants. He can see the movement in Jongin pants. He laughs a little; trust Jongin to not wear boxers in times of need._ _

__"Wrap your hand around your dick—"_ _

__" _Yours,_ " Jongin cuts, but follows, anyway._ _

__"— And run a thumb on the tip." Joonmyun feels his own cock stir in his pants. "Repeatedly."_ _

__Obedience is one of Jongin's finer points, Joonmyun knows this well, and Jongin proves this yet again when Joonmyun sees Jongin takes a deep breath and throw his head back a little. "Circles," Joonmyun continues, and he clenches his fists in an effort to keep himself from tugging Jongin's pants all the way down._ _

__"I'm not good at this," Jongin says after a while. His breathing is heavy._ _

__"You're doing just fine."_ _

__"Hyung, _please—_ " Jongin's voice cracks. " _Help me._ "_ _

__"Get up," he says, gesturing at Jongin to get on his feet, and Jongin follows. His pants fall down, and Joonmyun laughs a little when he sees Jongin wearing boxers, albeit almost threadbare. "I underestimated you," he mumbles as he gives Jongin a once-over. He gets to his knees. "Come closer."_ _

__He slips a finger beneath the band of Jongin's boxers, pulling the band lightly, and Jongin whimpers, groans when Joonmyun pulls it all the way down, cloth grazing Jongin's member. Joonmyun takes a deep breath and exhales loudly._ _

__"This is weird," Jongin mumbles. His face is flush, a deep shade of red. Joonmyun laughs a little._ _

__"More than weird," Joonmyun replies, leaning closer, exhaling. Jongin grunts. "So stop talking."_ _

__Joonmyun presses his lips on the tip of Jongin's dick, then slowly sticks out his tongue, licking the tip, going in circles. Jongin bucks his hips forward on instinct and Joonmyun takes a sharp intake of breath as he parts his lips. He moves forward, taking Jongin's dick fully, sucking when he reaches the base. He fastens both hands on Jongin's hips as Jongin trembles, and he moves forward, backward, again and again until he finds his rhythm and Jongin's hunched over, grip so hard and firm on his shoulders, hair sticking to his face, lips parted as he gasps, growls, moans._ _

__Joonmyun draws one long suck, cheeks going hollow, and Jongin grabs a fistful of his hair. He looks up, looks at Jongin in the eye, and flicks his tongue on the underside of Jongin's dick. Jongin shivers._ _

__Maybe he's had this fantasy before, three to four years back, when they were still trainees and Jongin still had the habit of running a hand up and down his thighs. Jongin would rubs circles on Joonmyun's skin with his thumb and lean his head on Joonmyun's shoulder and he'd be taking deep breaths, exhaling against Joonmyun's ear. In another dream, Jongin would be pinning him down and kissing him senseless, and he'd be snaking his hands around Jongin's waist, then down to grab Jongin's ass, and he'd pull Jongin down so that their cocks slide against each other. And then they'd come, Jongin quicker than him, and they'd lie flat on their backs, laughing at each other silly because, "We'll never get to do this again when we debut."_ _

__(And in another dream, Jongin would be sucking him off until he lets loose careless words and a clumsy confession, and he'd regret it right after.)_ _

__Jongin comes, hot and thick, and Joonmyun keeps his eyes open as he swallows, as he watches Jongin gasp and shiver all the more. Jongin hangs his head low as he tries to catch his breath. There's spit at the corner of Joonmyun's lips, and Jongin wipes it away, fingers shaking. "Hyung, I—" Jongin begins, but Joonmyun gets up even before Jongin can finish, doesn't turn around when he says, "Clean up. We have to go home."_ _

__They don't talk on their way back to the van, or even during the ride back to the dorms, but Joonmyun does let Jongin hold his hand and rest his head on his shoulder. They don't talk about it, but Joonmyun can't silence the voice screaming for help at the back of his head, a once-small voice now growing louder, one that's been telling him _you've wanted this all this time.__ _

___Always._ _ _

__

__(Jongin lies flat on his back on the couch. The bedroom offers neither a form of relief nor comfort because Joonmyun is sprawled on his bed, inviting and alluring and sinful, and Jongin doesn't need that right now. What he needs is to get back to his body and explain to Joonmyun without resorting to pleading for a blowjob or a handjob. What he needs is to sit Joonmyun down and talk things over and make sense of things, because Joonmyun was way too accomodating back there, giving him a much needed blowjob, and he was much too weak. And that's not how they work._ _

__He hasn't figured out how they work just yet. This might be a good time to figure things out.)_ _

__

__Day twelve and they still haven't talked about it. Joonmyun thinks he's not ready and that he won't be anytime soon, and he's thankful for the ginormous amount of recordings that Jongin has (that he'd rather have than to get stuck in the practice room, going through the same routine the whole day) else he'd have to come up with a very lame excuse to avoid Jongin's attempts at making conversation. He turns in early the best he can, throwing the covers over his head, and wears earplugs for good measure, but he never turns up the music. He feels Jongin slipping in his covers in the dead of the night, snaking arms around his waist, pulling him close and wrapping his legs around him. There would be a contented sigh and a satisfied exhale and Joonmyun would be wondering what he's done wrong or right, if any at all, and he'd be questioning himself — _what the fuck am I doing?__ _

__He takes a deep breath and leans back, sinking into Jongin's touch. What the actual fuck is he doing?_ _

__

__Day fourteen is a free day, so Joonmyun decides it's a clever idea to clean out their room in preparation for good things to come._ _

__Good things meaning a schedule more packed than ever and the onslaught of presents for the Christmas season. Jongdae loves it for the most part, but hates the mound of gift wrappers and other unknown objects he'd rather not figure out, and he's more than surprised when Joonmyun offers to tidy up the room. "Did Joonmyun-hyung bribe you or something," Jongdae asks, squinting hard, eyes narrowed at Joonmyun._ _

__Joonmyun summons his best Jongin scowl, but he ends up scoffing, instead. Jongdae beams at him, plants a kiss on his cheek that he knows is really meant to freak Jongin out, and he shudders in response._ _

__"Don't touch my things!"_ _

__"Bye, hyung!" Joonmyun calls out after Jongdae. "Don't ever come back!"_ _

__It takes Joonmyun exactly two hours to sort out his own things, and another hour to try to make sense out of the chaos that is Jongin's assortment of weird things. A torn paper towel, a wrapper of a pack of gum, a flattened juice box and a cracked plastic spoon, some opened packs of medicine. Everything of Jongin's that he touches sparks a memory, like the time he bought ten tablets of pain-relievers for Jongin's muscle pain, or that time when he tried to cut a slice of cake for Jongin but failed miserably. He chuckles a little; he's not sure if Jongin's just being sentimental or if he's just too lazy to throw these things away. He goes for the latter._ _

__He dumps all these things in one bag for when he gives Jongin a lecture on proper waste disposal, then places the bag in a corner, away from the debris of his cleaning war._ _

__He pulls the bottom drawer and finds a stack of notebooks of varying colors, all labelled. He checks them, hesitant at first, until he chances upon an unlabeled music notebook that has the lines _I hate your hair, it's so ugly. You kinda look like Dudley._ on its first page._ _

__"Is this a poem or a joke?" Joonmyun comments, laughing as he goes through some of the pages, and howling when he reaches a page that says _You're so awkward, makes me think you think backwards and I don't even know why. I like you and that's not a lie._ It sounds strangely like something off of a teenager's journal, or a poorly-crafted song, or one of the usual pocketbook stories that ends in a raunchy sex scene._ _

___You hate it when people say  
you're beautiful in every way  
and I wish I could tell you to never change, but  
you hate staying the same  
you hate staying the same._ _ _

__Joonmyun reads the notes drawn on the staff and tries humming the song Jongin has written. It's not as bad as he had originally thought, but the words are too plain, not rhythmic, like Jongin had written them on a whim. Jongin has never been creative with words — he speaks his mind, says what he thinks and feels._ _

__Joonmyun traces the characters with his fingers. Jongin's writing is heavily imprinted on the paper. It must have been a rough time._ _

__"Hyung?"_ _

__Joonmyun freezes at the sound of a familiar voice and, slowly but surely, looks over his shoulder. It's way too early for Jongin to be back from whatever he's supposed to be preoccupied with._ _

__"No schedule for today?" Joonmyun says, slipping the music notebook under his bed. He holds his breath as Jongin's steps grow louder. "You're back early."_ _

__"The director's sick." Jongin scratches the back of his head, then clears a space just behind Joonmyun for him to sit on. "Why are you going through my things?"_ _

__"Cleaning day." Joonmyun pushes the notebook further inside. "Too much shit in this room."_ _

__"Did you just call my things _shit_?"_ _

__Joonmyun laughs a little. "You didn't hear anything."_ _

__Jongin just sits still, doesn't question any of Joonmyun's actions, like he's expecting Joonmyun to run into something he's not supposed to see or he's expecting Joonmyun to figure something out by force, by piecing together bits and pieces of himself. Occasionally, he'd look over Joonmyun's shoulder, and Joonmyun would try not to freeze or hitch his breath or fidget. If Jongin ever catches on, he won't say anything._ _

__Jongin tucks his chin on Joonmyun's shoulder. It's a perfect fit._ _

__"Do you think my hair's ugly," Joonmyun asks just before he stands from where he is to take out the garbage. Jongin's things are neatly stacked in one corner of the room now, and Joonmyun drawer has been emptied of expired medicine. He peeks at Jongin from his bangs but hardly ever sees anything. Jongin should cut his hair soon. He should run his fingers through Jongin's hair and pull back his bangs and—_ _

__"I used to, but you wear your hair pulled back more now." Jongin laughs a little. "I kinda dig it."_ _

__" _Kinda_ dig it? Come on..." Joonmyun laughs a little, punching Jongin lightly on the arm. "Go hard or go home."_ _

__"I _am_ hard."_ _

__Joonmyun chuckles. "I can see that."_ _

__Jongin moves closer, and Joonmyun keeps his hands behind his back. "We're going to talk about what happened that day," Jongin says, resolute, in a tone Joonmyun knows very well has been borrowed from him. "And you're not going to go down on me just to stop me from asking what the fuck happened that time."_ _

__Joonmyun takes a deep breath. Jongin's staring at him, looking at him in the eye, and he's never felt smaller in his entire life. "Not even if I take you from behind or—"_ _

__" _Hyung._ "_ _

__"Sehun keeps telling me — _you_ — to stop being so worried about me, that I'll live even if you don't watch my back all the time." He chuckles a little, then looks up, looks at Jongin in the eye for the first time. There's a soft smile on Jongin's lips and it makes Joonmyun's breath hitch, like Jongin had kind of seen this coming or had been expecting it all this time, like Jongin had grown into Joonmyun's skin way too fast and Joonmyun's falling behind. "Have you? Been watching me all this time, I mean."_ _

__Jongin scrunches his nose. "And Sehun said I was dense."_ _

__"I resent that."_ _

__Jongin grins. "Better than resenting yourself."_ _

__Joonmyun takes a deep breath and furrows his eyebrows, leans in inch by inch until their noses touch, until Jongin leans back a bit, until Joonmyun feels his hands again and snakes them around Jongin's waist to pull Jongin closer. "I never hated myself that much," he says, laughing lightly when Jongin blows at his bangs. "I just didn't like myself this much before."_ _

__"But you're really cute."_ _

__"My goal is 'responsible hyung', not cute."_ _

__Jongin tiptoes to press his lips on Joonmyun's nose. "Close enough."_ _

__Joonmyun holds Jongin from an arm's length and laughs a little. Maybe the only thing he'll hate about himself is his height, but that can be easily remedied with insoles. And maybe he doesn't mind Jongin hounding him, watching his back 90% of the time, with the remaining 10% spent trying not to be too obvious. He likes the attention and he likes Jongin enough to get down on his knees and suck him off while he's in Joonmyun's body, weird as it may be._ _

__"Is this the part where you fuck me senseless after we clean up my mess?"_ _

__Joonmyun smiles. "This is the part where I kiss you for calling me cute _and_ responsible."_ _

__Jongin's lips form a small 'o' and a gasp slips from them just before Joonmyun presses their lips together._ _

__

__The best part about being tiny, Joonmyun thinks, is that he gets to yank at Jongin's necktie to pull him down, that he can nip at Jongin's lower lip before proceeding to softly and gently press his lips on Jongin's own. He'll wait until Jongin's ready to part his lips to deepen the kiss, but he'll snake a hand up Jongin's nape and grab a fistful of hair and Jongin will gasp, and he'll take in that small sound and the smile creeping to Jongin's lips. He'll take everything Jongin has to offer, bottle it up, take it with him wherever he goes._ _

__Joonmyun wakes up in familiar territory the following day. He feels around for his alarm clock and smiles when it finds a perfect fit in the palm of his hand, when Jongin grumbles and says, "Turn that fucking alarm clock off, hyung", when Jongin bolts up and looks at him with wide eyes and a smile tugging at the corner of his lips._ _

__Jongin climbs to Joonmyun's bed and takes him in his arms. Joonmyun likes the feel of Jongin's laughter in the crook of his neck, more than likes it when he feels Jongin's smile on his skin._ _

__From the beside his bed, Jongdae groans. Joonmyun loves everything._ _

__

__(ment.)_ _

__"So, who does Chen consider the most handsome in EXO?"_ _

__Joonmyun feels Jongdae kick him lightly, and he doesn't understand it until he sees the faintest hint of surprise in Jongdae's eyes, when Jongdae grips his wrist tight from the under the table and mouths _what the actual fuck?__ _

__"S—" Jongdae cranes his neck, then furrows his eyebrows. "Sehun."_ _

__Joonmyun bumps his knee against Jongin's under the table in an effort to keep himself from bursting into laughter._ _


End file.
